Breaking Free!

Amazing grace how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found,

Was blind, but now I see

My chains are gone, I've been set free

My God, my Savior, Has ransomed me

And like a flood, His mercies reign,

Unending love, Amazing grace

I remember the first time I heard this song. It brought tears to my eyes. In high school, I was an active member of First Baptist Church in Elberton, Georgia. I was involved with everything... I song on the Sunday morning praise team, I was a member in the youth praise band, I was involved with all the youth activities.

One Sunday afternoon we, the youth praise band, were sitting my friend's living room brainstorming on a set list. One of the songs suggested was Chris Tomlin's My Chains are Gone. Wow, what a powerful song, what a powerful message . My chains are gone and I'VE been set free! It reaffirms that the power of Christ will free you from all darkness, through obedience.  However, at the time, I was wrapped up in so much sin, living a double life, constantly lying to people. I would be leading songs in church services. I would telling people to live for God, and behind the scenes, I was sneaking out of the house, going to parties, smoke weed, fornicating . . . I was a complete mess.

I can't really describe exactly how I felt, there was a strong since that I was being held down by my sin. I couldn't see straight, I couldn't breathe. I had no control. It felt as if I were literally chained down, bound. I couldn't get away. I couldn't run away. I was always dragged back. I was stuck . . . I was scared. I was lonely. I was too prideful to admit I was in trouble. But for a small moment in my life, I felt relief. I felt hope, refuge, strength. But it didn't last. I sabotaged  my progress. I relapsed, hard.

It took a couple of years for me to come back around. But I finally did. I enrolled into a rehabilitation center in Woodstock, Georgia, where I spent four and a half gruesome months sifting through my past and confronting things I've hidden all my life. With Christ, I was breaking away from my bondage, I was destroying those chains what held me down for so long. I was released! Or so I thought .

Unfortunately, rehab only scratched the surface. There was so much that I was holding back, keeping it a secret because I was so ashamed. I had so much guilt, I didn't want anyone to know everything about my life. I withheld some crucial parts of my life to myself. When I was a child, I was sexually abused. I was very young, no older than seven. I was forced to do things and swore to keep it a secret. That is my deep dark secret. But you know what, I don't care if people know anymore. I don't care if people judge me for it. I don't care if people think less of me. I was a child. It wasn't my fault. And if it happened to you, know this . . . it is NOT  your fault! You didn't know any better . . . you couldn't fend for yourself. You could fight back. You couldn't have known it was wrong. I didn't. I was told that it was normal. That it happens to everybody. What lies, what deception.

But that's a whole different story. The point of my telling you, the world, my dark secret is to tell you that secrets are NOT healthy. Especially if you have to care it yourself. Secrets are a false safety net created by the devil. Secrets keep you in the dark. Secrets feed on your fear and your insecurity. They drain your life. They drain you self-worth. Secrets can be the strongest chain the devil has on you. So, I challenge you to find someone who you trust, someone who without a doubt will keep things confidential. Seek that man or woman out and tell them what is going on in your life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We all need that special someone who we can confide in, mine in my fiancé, Alexandria. She knows everything about me, I know I can tell her everything and it will be kept between the two of us. Life is to hard to do it alone. Life gives you a heavy load to be caring it around solo. Voice your hurts, your pains, your joys. Don't be afraid to walk next to someone. It will make life much easier.

In conclusion to my long winded rambling, I leave you with this . . . a video I was introduced to several years ago. Listen to it, watch it (it's in the previous post) . . . it has a powerful message behind it.

Until next time, God bless you all!
Lucas 

Lifehouse's Everything Skit

Truth Be Told... I am different!

Now, I totally forgot that I had a blog. Not too surprising, huh? I haven't added to my blog in months, quite a few months. As a child, I was very good at writing journals. Journals documented my life, my thoughts, my feelings. I would write about anything and everything. My journals were an outlet, away to be myself without having a fear of being judged. You see, I was very concerned with the opinions of others. My worth came from what people thought of me and how they interacted with me. If they laughed at my jokes and commented on my look, I was very confident. If they poked fun at me or ignored me for just one second, I was crushed, insecure until I received a smile from them. Silly, perhaps, but that's just the way I dealt with people.

Sadly enough, my need for affirmation and approval came from an underlining psychological problem. I was adopted at a very young age. So young I barely was able to celebrate my 30 days of life before I was given the woman I love to refer to as Mommy. I've always knew I was adopted, raised in a home of adopted/foster children. I've always known that my mom loves me very much! What I didn't know is why my biological parents gave me away. I was told that I had older siblings. For years I assumed they were all living in one house and I was the "runt" of the batch. I was the only one given up because there was something wrong with me. 

So, this is why I had so many self-esteem problems. This is why I had become a people-pleaser; why I would do anything to become accepted. Thank the good Lord I am not that way anymore. The change started with a very intense conversation I had with my mother. I was in rehab (totally different story for a different post, LOL), my "counselor was mediating. Tears strolled down my face, shame consumed my body. I was shaking with anger, sadness, frustration, worthlessness. Who was I to demand answers of why I was the only one given up. I was lucky enough to be in a family. It could have been worse, I could have been left on the side of the road to die. What right did I have to validate my existence?

Well, come to find out. I was born into a very poor family. I was the fourth child of the Addry family. My biological father was very abusive and used my biological mother. The three other children birthed, suffered from malnutrition, as did I. I was a runt, but a runt in a family of runts. I was the only one who was healthy enough to be considered for adoption.

When I learned about that... I have a new found perspective on life. I'm not a reject. I'm not a runt. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm loved. I'm cared for. I'm a child of God. I'm worth something to someone... several people I suppose. I've been taken out of danger and placed into safety. I love my family, as crazy as they may be, I love them! I am about to start a whole new family of my own with my fiance, Alexandria Elizebeth Hisey! I love her more than anything in this world. She has been my constant source of growth, outside of Christ that is. She builds my confidence, my esteem, my value, my integrity. She makes me want to be the best man there could possibly be. She makes me smile like no one else in this world. She makes me laugh like no one else. She makes me cry like to know else. She has given me a purpose, she has given me a dream. She has been there for me from the beginning of my destruction unto the restoration. She loved me when people rejected me, she comforted me when people stomped me down, she held me when I was left alone. I love her with all my heart! Thanks, babe, for being there for me! I love you!!