Truth Be Told... I am different!

Now, I totally forgot that I had a blog. Not too surprising, huh? I haven't added to my blog in months, quite a few months. As a child, I was very good at writing journals. Journals documented my life, my thoughts, my feelings. I would write about anything and everything. My journals were an outlet, away to be myself without having a fear of being judged. You see, I was very concerned with the opinions of others. My worth came from what people thought of me and how they interacted with me. If they laughed at my jokes and commented on my look, I was very confident. If they poked fun at me or ignored me for just one second, I was crushed, insecure until I received a smile from them. Silly, perhaps, but that's just the way I dealt with people.

Sadly enough, my need for affirmation and approval came from an underlining psychological problem. I was adopted at a very young age. So young I barely was able to celebrate my 30 days of life before I was given the woman I love to refer to as Mommy. I've always knew I was adopted, raised in a home of adopted/foster children. I've always known that my mom loves me very much! What I didn't know is why my biological parents gave me away. I was told that I had older siblings. For years I assumed they were all living in one house and I was the "runt" of the batch. I was the only one given up because there was something wrong with me. 

So, this is why I had so many self-esteem problems. This is why I had become a people-pleaser; why I would do anything to become accepted. Thank the good Lord I am not that way anymore. The change started with a very intense conversation I had with my mother. I was in rehab (totally different story for a different post, LOL), my "counselor was mediating. Tears strolled down my face, shame consumed my body. I was shaking with anger, sadness, frustration, worthlessness. Who was I to demand answers of why I was the only one given up. I was lucky enough to be in a family. It could have been worse, I could have been left on the side of the road to die. What right did I have to validate my existence?

Well, come to find out. I was born into a very poor family. I was the fourth child of the Addry family. My biological father was very abusive and used my biological mother. The three other children birthed, suffered from malnutrition, as did I. I was a runt, but a runt in a family of runts. I was the only one who was healthy enough to be considered for adoption.

When I learned about that... I have a new found perspective on life. I'm not a reject. I'm not a runt. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm loved. I'm cared for. I'm a child of God. I'm worth something to someone... several people I suppose. I've been taken out of danger and placed into safety. I love my family, as crazy as they may be, I love them! I am about to start a whole new family of my own with my fiance, Alexandria Elizebeth Hisey! I love her more than anything in this world. She has been my constant source of growth, outside of Christ that is. She builds my confidence, my esteem, my value, my integrity. She makes me want to be the best man there could possibly be. She makes me smile like no one else in this world. She makes me laugh like no one else. She makes me cry like to know else. She has given me a purpose, she has given me a dream. She has been there for me from the beginning of my destruction unto the restoration. She loved me when people rejected me, she comforted me when people stomped me down, she held me when I was left alone. I love her with all my heart! Thanks, babe, for being there for me! I love you!!